Current mood:	embarrassed
Current music:	Acoustic Alchemy // The Alchemist
Entry tags:	frustration

Crackfics and Ann
I don't do crack very well. By crack, of course, I mean the fanfiction term crackfic: "A fanfic in which concept is so out there, one wonders what the author was snorting when they wrote it. Sometimes deliberate, sometimes just WTF?" From Time to Time is most certainly a crackfic, but it doesn't have that hectic, crack-y quality that's come to be expected with those kinds of fics. It's one of the things I get most upset with myself for: my inability to write something completely off-the-wall. Everything has to have a logical reason for being, everything has to be explained. People can't just appear out of nowhere, things can't happen without solid, explainable reason. These are good skills to have in order to write "serious" fiction, but I fail when it comes to comedy or even amusing fanfics. I just can't do it! Grr!

One of my attempts at a crackfic was a House/Tsubasa Chronicle crossover. My best friend and I were talking and came up with the concept. We laughed so hard while talking about that I said, "I have to make this into a fic!" However, when I actually sat down to write it, it became a lot less funny. My tedious narration and character description got in the way and bogged the whole thing down.

I'll probably never, ever finish this and I feel like I've aborted something beautiful.

House Country
“We’ve arrived in a new world!” Mokona exclaimed, bouncing on Syaoran’s shoulder.

“Where are we now?” Kurogane said. “Not that I knew where we were before, so we may be here as well as anywhere.”

“Hm…” Fay said. “Well, this sign here says ‘Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, New Jersey.’ So I’m guessing that this building we’re standing outside of is a hospital in Princeton, New Jersey.”

“You can read that sign?” Kurogane said, staring at the jumble of characters.

“For the sake of scene-establishment, yes,” Fay confirmed.

“You guys…” Syaoran breathed, looking around. “This world is really strange.”

“I’ll say,” Kurogane said, looking at people as they walked past. “Everyone’s arms and legs are like stubs! They don’t even reach their knees.”

“And everyone’s so chubby and short,” Fay remarked.

“The sky’s not blue enough,” Sakura said, staring up. “It barely hurts my eyes at all.”

“We don’t blend in here very well…” Fay said, catching the stares in their direction. “We should probably lay low.”

“Right,” Syaoran said.

“Oh…” Sakura breathed, her eyes drooping.

“Sakura-chan, are you alright?” Fay asked.

“I’m… I’m alright,” Sakura said.

And with that, she fainted. Syaoran went to catch her, but the strange too-strong gravity somehow pulled her down faster than he could move.

“That’s not what I meant by laying low, Sakura-chan,” Fay said, shaking his head.

“Holy crap, that girl just went down like a sack of bricks!” a man cried from the crowd. He rushed over to her, bringing a surge of on-lookers with him.

“Oh my dear God, look at her! She’s skin and bones! Her waist looks like it’s about to cave in on itself…”

“She must live on the streets. Look at her clothes. They’re all tattered and threadbare…”

“She looks like a good-for-nothing gypsy.”

“Her skin looks nice and firm, though. She smells good, too.”

Syaoran nearly choked on his own spit. “Hey!”

“Someone go into the hospital and call a doctor!”

“No, really, it’s okay…” Fay tried to tell everyone. His voice was lost in the din. “This happens quite a bit, actually. She’ll be fine in just a moment.”

A few feet away, Greg House was next in line at a gyro stand where he’d been waiting for nearly half an hour. He usually wouldn’t stoop to paying over eight dollars for a piece of pita bread and goat meat, but he wasn’t about to have hospital cafeteria-style sloppy joes for the third day in a row. The person ahead of him, however, had stopped ordering to stare over where all the commotion was taking place.

“Well, crap,” House said and wandered over to where the huge group had gathered. “Can’t even order a gyro in this place without an emergency.”

He pushed his way through the crowd until he got into the center.

“Out of the way, Albino. Your condition isn’t life-threatening,” House said as he shoved Fay out of the way with the butt of his cane. “Give the girl some room, people. I’m a doctor. And a very hungry one at that.”

“She’ll be just fine, sir,” Syaoran said, looking at the man. “She really doesn’t need any help. She’s not sick.”

“Chronic fainting spells, malnourished complexion, severe weight-loss…” House said. “Sounds like the very definition of sick to me.”

“Okay, so she might be a little sick…” Syaoran admitted. “But there’s nothing you can do to help her.”

House’s eyes flashed and he smirked madly. “Sounds like a challenge.”

Attendants and a doctor from the clinic came running out of the hospital. They stopped short when they saw House, however.

“Well, don’t just stand there,” House said, rolling his eyes. “Take her inside. Put her down as my patient.”

The attendants rushed forward with the gurney and lifted the still-unconscious Sakura on top. The doctor shuffled back inside, looking dejected.

“Jesus, she weights practically nothing,” one attendant said.

“It’s like she’s going to float away,” the other commented.

“Yes, she’s been known to do that once or twice,” Fay said.

“Wait! Where are you taking her?” Syaoran said, running after the gurney as they wheeled Sakura inside.

“This is called a hospital,” House said, indicating the building with a box-like motion of his hands. “It’s where sick people go to get better.”

“She’s not sick!” Syaoran yelled after him.

“She’s sick,” House said. “We’re all sick. Some are just more visual about it than others.”

Sakura disappeared from view as the doors to the hospital slid shut.

“And you three owe me a gyro,” House grumbled as he limped inside after the gurney.

—House theme plays with Mokona inserted into the opening credit scenes at odd intervals.—

“Differential diagnosis, people!” House said, hooking his cane on top of the whiteboard. “What is the prognosis for chronic fainting?”

“Uh, House?” Foreman said. “Why are we doing the differential in the patient’s room?”

He looked over to where Syaoran, Kurogane, and Fay were all standing next to Sakura’s bed where Sakura lay, still unconscious.

“Because it’s funnier, duh,” House said. “Now, come on, focus! What’s up with the fainting?”

“She’s allergic to salt,” Cameron said.

“Her Saltine levels were normal,” House said. “Next!”

“Sarcoidosis,” Foreman said. “It attacks the lymph nodes, which in turn wreaks havoc on the fainting center of the brain.”

“Too Hollywood,” House whined. “Anybody else?”

“She needs a biopsy,” Chase said, his hand on his chin. “Of the livah!”

“That’s… a treatment, not a prognosis, but what the hell. Let’s go for it,” House said. Then he sighed. “Come on, people! Think sicker!”

All three doctors looked at each other before chiming, “It’s lupus!”

House nodded. “Okay. Lupus it is because I don’t want to be here anymore. Start her on broad-spectrum antibiotics and red and blue spectrum antibiotics just to be safe.”

And so ends my brilliant idea, never to be finished. See what I mean about the crack-yness? It's just not funny this way. It's times like these I wish I wasn't so literary. I feel bound by my own rules!